important

"Get a rat and put it in a cage and give it two water bottles. One is just water, and one is water laced with either heroin or cocaine. If you do that, the rat will almost always prefer the drugged water and almost always kill itself very quickly, right, within a couple of weeks. So there you go. It’s our theory of addiction. Bruce comes along in the ’70s and said, “Well, hang on a minute. We’re putting the rat in an empty cage. It’s got nothing to do. Let’s try this a little bit differently.” So Bruce built Rat Park, and Rat Park is like heaven for rats. Everything your rat about town could want, it’s got in Rat Park. It’s got lovely food. It’s got sex. It’s got loads of other rats to be friends with. It’s got loads of colored balls. Everything your rat could want. And they’ve got both the water bottles. They’ve got the drugged water and the normal water. But here’s the fascinating thing. In Rat Park, they don’t like the drugged water. They hardly use any of it. None of them ever overdose. None of them ever use in a way that looks like compulsion or addiction. There’s a really interesting human example I’ll tell you about in a minute, but what Bruce says is that shows that both the right-wing and left-wing theories of addiction are wrong. So the right-wing theory is it’s a moral failing, you’re a hedonist, you party too hard. The left-wing theory is it takes you over, your brain is hijacked. Bruce says it’s not your morality, it’s not your brain; it’s your cage. Addiction is largely an adaptation to your environment. We’ve created a society where significant numbers of our fellow citizens cannot bear to be present in their lives without being drugged, right? We’ve created a hyper-consumerist, hyper-individualist, isolated world that is, for a lot of people, much more like that first cage than it is like the bonded, connected cages that we need. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection. And our whole society, the engine of our society, is geared towards making us connect with things. If you are not a good consumer capitalist citizen, if you’re spending your time bonding with the people around you and not buying stuff—in fact, we are trained from a very young age to focus our hopes and our dreams and our ambitions on things we can buy and consume. And drug addiction is really a subset of that."

—	Johann Hari, Does Capitalism Drive Drug Addiction?

just sleep

I'm supposed to go to an art show tonight but I'm feeling too lazy to do anything.

Recently, someone has tried to come back into my life but it's such a bad idea. I just want everything to be the same and for us to be friends, but I can already feel the trouble from here. Also I think I have feelings for someone... I don't want to. 

challenge

So, I finally had a bit of a breakdown at work last week and freaked everyone the fuck out. I am now on some medication that will hopefully work for me and also went to a therapist for the first time ever today! And I have to say, it was awesome...I can't believe I waited so long to talk to someone/get help. I already feel like I'm getting better and am feeling positive, like I'm taking a step in the right direction. I haven't felt this "normal" or like my old self in literally years... My anxiety and depression is just always something I thought was normal and had to learn to live and cope with on my own and now I'm seeing that it isn't true at all...hmm..I dunno. Maybe my life was getting too crazy ? I also have a new roommate, my friend Carmen..I'm happy to be living with her but also scared. I want our friendship to stay pristine and amazing and close..I feel like I will become an annoyance..I dunno..I'm just glad I'm not alone, even if I feel like a burden to everyone, I know that it isn't true at all....Is it?

buena pa nada

So I finally had enough and I'm on antidepressants/anxiety meds now.

I really, really , really hope that I can just get better for my future.

I have so many fears and worries still about ending up alone or failing or just whatever is always on my mind that I think I still need to work on myself so much. 

It's exhausting to think about.

pressures of cute

"I wanted to present this cute image distorted in a way that expresses my feelings when I face my own culture. This oversized bunny I created that looks down on you doesn't seem cute anymore - it's kind of disturbing."-momoyo torimitsu

I'm gonna miss him so much.

His chipped tooth,which he chipped twice(!)

The freckles on the bridges of his nose too.

I'm packing up his books and cds.

I have a lump in my throat that's really huge.

I have a part of me that's going to be gone for a long time, maybe even forever.

You owe yourself the happiness of it all though.

There's a super secret polaroid I took of you, sleeping and all wrapped up in  my disney sheets.

You look so happy.

That's all that I can say,I want you to be happy,happy, happy.

Matt Furie: Freaky Tails

vice requiescant shoot

Fashion shoot vice did in 2010:

I could go on ...

Last night I stayed with my friend.

I wish I could stay up with her forever..

We drove late into the night, and something was on fire.

I smelled burning wood and the suburbs had a smoky tinge to them.

I saw a memorial with tinsel and a virgin mary statue.

I saw a late night party at a veterans' hall with baby pink and yellow balloons adorning the entrance.

We went to a cafe and ate sandwiches and pancakes and talked comfortably like we always do.

I slept well until her boyfriend woke up to vomit.

Her dogs made me feel safe even though they are little.

please leave me alone

I feel like an asshole for making my friends worry about me...

It makes me feel useless and worthless. 

What good am I to them, if I constantly get myself in stupid situations?

I just want to be as good to them as they are to me.

I had to call the police yesterday on a man who was stalking me and now everyone is really worried.

I want to be strong and smart just for them...

Sometimes, I feel like I'm ultimately trying to destroy myself. 

Like I want nothing beautiful and good to happen to me.

It's silly though because I know I do want to be happy but don't know how.

maybe so, maybe no

could it be that your love was meant for me? maybe so, maybe no.

i feel dead inside

Had something pretty negative happen to me the other day..

I went on my last okc date for a long time. 

I think I'm good now.

This guy called me beautiful, wanted to go to an art show and a brewery.

When I finally met up with him, he started to lay it on thick about how he didn't know what he was doing and he just felt very dead inside and he didn't know why he was here and that this wasn't going to work out , so bye. He left me there, kind of shaken up and terrified.

He was so impersonal and cold and weird. He whined and whined about his life and just how he didnt like any of the dates he went on.

I wasted all this gas to drive down to be polite to this guy I didn't even really want to meet up with after all. How could he say he really wanted to meet and then just be really rude and talk and talk about himself and whoa it was just so terrible.
Do I have no value or merit ?

crappy lovely

Lately I wore my acid wash denim romper and it made me so nostalgic for older style girls from the Spank! shop in Tokyo..I used to dress like this and it was during the golden era of nu-rave so I kind of feel like having this style again!

These are all older examples of this style: softer palettes mixed with fluro,oversized knits,lots of denim, and everything loose and hanging with a diy feel to it. 

Now for the newer parts of it I liked....

cake and friends

Aah I'm forgetting the detail of the memory of the weekend already!

Let's see, I did karaoke with friends and drank too much, of course..ummm I ate green tea cake..I ate a spicy hot and sour soup from saps..

I hung out and talked a lot with my friends too. I went to a record convention and salivated over everything I couldn't afford. I ate pizza and drank wine with my friend.I went to a thrift store with Kiki. I bought fabric and we talked about doing some installation work. I ate and ate and ate until I burst, cookies, ice cream, chips, beer ,hot chocolate, blughghgh. It was all so delicious! I hope I can remember the warmth of your hand and smiles forever.

the flower lane

If you want to see  me, you know just where I'll be....

I'm having some tender moments, some tender vibes haha..

I hope I can remember.

charlotte

There's something really interesting going on in that face of hers...

ready to forget

I can't stop thinking so much. He doesn't think about me at all..

I just want to eat crepes and have a baby pink room and listen to records alll day. 

I want to keep moments in my mind forever. Laying there and shooting the shit with you. The way you gaze at me is really nice, even if it means nothing. You kissed my forehead as if I was a baby.

I slept too long today and haven't been exercising anymore.

I watched Lilya 4ever and that Jimi Hendrix biopic..

the shaggs-my cutie

Matsuri bashi

;__;

little miss field mouse

I've had such a week...

Saturday I went to Psych fest and got to see the Jesus and Mary Chain! AAAhhh!!!It was muddy and it reeked out there and everything was so different...I ran into an interesting couple from Kansas and I hung out with them for a while.One was around my age and reminded me of a friend I used to know and the lady was very beautiful and a lot older.  I saw my ex-boyfriend and I proceeded to ignore him justly. I wish I had talked to him. I feel lonely sometimes, I had no one to really talk to at the festival. I felt alone...I walked near him and realized how strange it is to be walking next to someone I knew such intimate, intimate details about. Walking next to him like a perfect stranger

Sunday I sat around waiting like a fool.

Monday I hung out with a ginger haired man, he fed me grilled pork and chicken with a baked potato and broccoli. The food was wonderfully savory and I washed it down with some beer..He was nice and fun and his roommate made interesting art, which I offered to buy, haha. 

Tuesday I hung out with my friend M. We sat in the balcony seats at the movie theatre and saw this movie. I described it as something I saw on cable t.v. as a child and somehow the aesthetic always stuck with me. He, as usual, was nice and funny and sweet.

baby eyes

My friend tried to coerce me into showing my artwork yesterday and it was quite difficult..I can't do it! My shit is so embarrassing..I went on a tangent and began to talk about the epicness of precious moments and baby looney tunes :

let's delve farther, shall we?

hahahahaha.

here time flies while I do nothing.

Hello there.

My friend and I are going to do a photo project together.

I am still devoid of inspiration, but I do know I want to get back to doing film camera stuff. That was really fun at one point for me.

I am officially broke, as I bought a Saturday ticket to see the Jesus and Mary Chain and a few other bands I can't wait to see(!!)

I feel like a little kid lately. I'm really lost and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I feel pretty alive.I have little memories of mine now, that I hope I can remember happily..Nude swimming, listening to pizzicato five at 2 in the morning, baked. 

Tomorrow I will meet a complete stranger, and I'm excited/scared. I've become friends with someone really cool and I'm mesmerized right now.

Games - That We Can Play [Full album]

Feel

Let's seeee:

Was with a stranger today...it started to feel weird towards the end.

Thinking about someone while I listen to dots and loops album, which is starting to feel painfully nostalgic for me, almost to the point of being unbearable.

Talked to my co-workers about where to get the best soul food here in town. Hmmmm

Also didn't know there was a difference between cold sores and angular cheilitis.

I think I'm really the loneliest I've ever felt in a long time.

I feel really destructive lately.

However..I also feel really, really good! So confusing! Somehow I feel emotionally really strong. Like I can face anything anyone fucking throws at me.

I realized I'm learning a lot about myself though.

I'm planning on working on a piece for a zine. I hope it turns out well and I don't hate it.

uhhhh

I will write all about my dirty garbage on here. I will get so personal sometimes it will be embarrassing. I will write about vapid and silly things too. I'll write about nothing and everything that's happening with me, so that I can remember or whatever. I deleted all my blogs from my youth and I should've kept them. They showcased what an idiot I was and what lovely memories I will never have again. I have so many regrets but so much hope too. I hope one day I can actually know true happiness. That's not to say I'm not happy now but sometimes it's too difficult for me. I dunno. I want to do everything right now. I'm 28 years old and I don't understand myself still. I want to understand myself and everyone around me and discover everyone.everyone. Ummm. I guess that's it for now.. Really this is unabashed narcissism.